SNES music is weak.

hey now

You're all weak except Saskrotch and his joke that got b&.
Pm me with your address and that.

how do you plan blipfest in space?

you planet

you planet

Having considered his place in life, he decides new experiences and reaffirmation of self are what he needs, and he sets out to do this in a most American of ways: ROAD TRIP!

Halfway through his trip, he has reached the desert, near the border with Arizona and Nevada. At this point, his car breaks down and proceeds to spew steam from under the hood.

He quickly surmises that this setback is beyond the scopes of his penguin powers; and he, being a penguin stranded in the desert, is in mortal peril. Unsure of his fate, he resolves to keep a stiff upper beak; and sticks a flipper out behind his car on the roadside, waiting…

Fortunately, not too much later; he's given a ride into town, which is only a couple miles away. At the nearest garage, he gets the mechanic to tow his car back into town. Once they get the car into the shop, the mechanic says "Well hey, fella, it's gonna take me a bit to figure out what's up with her. Why don't you come back in about an hour?"

The penguin agrees, and considers what to do with his hour in the small desert town, realizing he will likely never be there again. He begins to wander the town, observing the auspices of rural desert life.

A while later, he comes across an ice cream shop a few blocks from the garage, pausing, and then realizing how perfect it is. He, a down on his luck penguin, had found an Ice Cream shop! In the desert! He knew immediately the comfort an ice cream cone would bring him.

Walking up to the counter, he is entranced by the thirty some-odd flavors. He samples many, but settles on a gold standard and personal favorite: Two Scoops of Vanilla Bean ice cream in a waffle cone. He's so excited at the prospect of his desert ice cream after the trials of the day that he doesn't even notice how messily he's eating the ice cream. Being a penguin, his flippers and beak are ill equipped for ice cream consumption.

After finishing his ice cream, he basks in his own satisfaction for a minute before walking back to the garage. When he walks in the door at the auto shop, the mechanic shouts at him from across the garage:

"It looks like you just blew a seal!"

"Oh… no, dude, it's just ice cream!"

Huge Ackman

Lazerbeat wrote:

Deleted posts by Saskrotch, egr and coshinator with some really really tasteless jokes. Rules (especially rule 9) still apply chaps.

Aw what, all the best jokes are tasteless! And I really want that thing. Also I've told that joke at plenty of all-ages events, including in front of my own parents, and no one's ever said anything about it.

Fine here's one that MIGHT be appropriate.

This dude is at a bar, drinking his face off. He ends up puking on himself, and starts to panic.

"What's the big deal, it's just puke." Says the bartender. The man explains that his wife doesn't like him out getting drunk at bars all night, and if he goes home with puke on his shirt, she'll KNOW he's been drinking.

The bartender says, "Oh, no problem. Do you have a $20?" The guy takes a $20, the bartender takes it, and tucks it into the guys shirt pocket.

"Okay, so when you get home, you tell your wife you were taking the train home, and some drunk guy puked all over you. He felt awful about it, so he gave you $20 to take your shirt to the cleaners."

The guy is really into this plan, so he has a couple more drinks and heads home. Once he gets there, his wife sees the puke and goes off on him about spending all of his paycheck at the bar, and puking all over himself, and so on.

"No no, look!" He takes the money out of his shirt pocket and explains that a guy puked on him, and gave him the $20 to get his shirt cleaned.

She takes the money from him and examines it, and says "But there's two twenties here."

"Yeah, I think he shit in my pants, too."

XD I think this one should win!

Deleted posts by Saskrotch, egr and coshinator with some really really tasteless jokes. Rules (especially rule 9) still apply chaps.

Aw what, all the best jokes are tasteless! And I really want that thing. Also I've told that joke at plenty of all-ages events, including in front of my own parents, and no one's ever said anything about it.

Fine here's one that MIGHT be appropriate.

This dude is at a bar, drinking his face off. He ends up puking on himself, and starts to panic.

"What's the big deal, it's just puke." Says the bartender. The man explains that his wife doesn't like him out getting drunk at bars all night, and if he goes home with puke on his shirt, she'll KNOW he's been drinking.

The bartender says, "Oh, no problem. Do you have a $20?" The guy takes a $20, the bartender takes it, and tucks it into the guys shirt pocket.

"Okay, so when you get home, you tell your wife you were taking the train home, and some drunk guy puked all over you. He felt awful about it, so he gave you $20 to take your shirt to the cleaners."

The guy is really into this plan, so he has a couple more drinks and heads home. Once he gets there, his wife sees the puke and goes off on him about spending all of his paycheck at the bar, and puking all over himself, and so on.

"No no, look!" He takes the money out of his shirt pocket and explains that a guy puked on him, and gave him the $20 to get his shirt cleaned.

She takes the money from him and examines it, and says "But there's two twenties here."

"Yeah, I think he shit in my pants, too."

The barman says, "hey, why the short face?"

EDIT:God that was effort.

This made me laugh more than anything else in the thread. Winner, if you ask me.

Next Christmas is coming around and his parents ask him what he wants. And he tell's them, that he wants a Tractor. He had one last year but he's still crazy about them, and he's been good so what's the problem? So they go out and get him a bigger tractor toy, nice metal one now he's older with all the cool little details. He loves that shit. Plays with it all year, spends hours just looking at the details. Everything.

So It's about the same time the next year and they ask him what he wants for Christmas and lo and behold, he want's a tractor. They're seeing a pattern here. And they don't see why not, so they go out and get him a little ride-in tractor. He loves it, he's happy he plays with it all year. Scooting along in his tractor rain or shine.

Christmas comes along again and Timmy still wants a tractor. But his parents are trying to figure out how to make this work for them now he;s getting older. They get him a big ass lawnmower that he can drive around in and pretend to be in a tractor. It's not quite a tractor, but Timmy understands. This shit is about imagination, so he loves it. Always mowing their lawn, mowing neighbours lawns you name it.

Once more Christmas comes  around and they already know what he wants. So they go out and get him one of those life adventure gift voucher things. That basically lets him go to a real farm and ride around in a real tractor. He loves it, it's the most amazing thing and he's never been so happy.

So, he's getting a bit older now and Christmas comes along. He goes to his parents and he says "This year, can I just have an iPod?". They were confused after all this time, but hey he's growing up. So they get him his iPod and he's totally happy and he uses it all the time.

But one day, while on his way back from school listening to his iPod, he notices that his house is on fire!. The fire brigade are there and they're trying to help but the smoke is just too thick for them to find their way around. His parents are trapped inside! Without a moments hesitation he runs into the house. The firemen are trying to stop him.

"It's too dangerous, you'll get yourself killed!"

But Timmy doesn't stop. He runs inside, and in one big breath he inhales all the smoke. All of it. The house is suddenly clear enough for his parents to be saved and the firemen drag everyone out to safety. Afterwards the Fire chief asked him:
"How the hell did you do that?"

And Timmy looks to the Fire chief and says;

"Well, I'm an extractor fan"

EDIT:God that was effort.