Thanks guys I really appreciate it. I have followed little-scale with little results. I'll give those tips another go before I shoot you an email. I've got some time later today...let's hope some magic happens.

By "you" I mean mrhmouse

little-scale has a pretty good tutorial about this and I've made pretty good samples after I read it.

What I usually do is load them into Audacity and sample them down to 11025 Hz.
Then, I look at the frequency analysis plot (Analyze -> Plot Spectrum) and see which areas can be cut out without losing too much quality.
After I figure that out, I use the graphical EQ to cut out unnecessary frequencies.
After that, I usually normalize the wave and then amplify as high as I can without clipping.
Then I export to 16 bit WAV at 11025 Hz, load the sample into LSDPatcher, patch my ROM, flash it, and play.

EDIT: Oh and, what  exactly isn't working about your kits? Send me an email at MY_USERNAME at gmail dot com.

DOUBLE EDIT:
   Okay, so you should probably be downsampling last, as that's where the biggest drop in sound quality is.
   To simplify the matter, I've made a processing chain in Audacity so that I apply the same basic effects each time.
   Then I go in with the frequency plot analysis and the EQ tool to sort out anything else that's there.

So after trying like a madman for a while now...I still can't get my own custom kits to work. 

I can get premade downloaded ones onto my cart sounding just fine, but creating my own in Audacity just ends up failing miserably.

If any kind soul would like to provide me some help it would be greatly appreciated.  Specifically, If one would be alright with having me send them some little audio clips via email, edit them in Audacity and then send the altered files back with possibly a short explanation of the steps taken I would be forever in your debt. 

Keep in mind I'm not looking for someone to straight up do shit for me, but rather provide a stepping stone for me to learn how to do this stuff.  I've been all over forums and tutorials (for a couple months now) and just can't seem to do it correctly AT ALL.  I'm thinking looking at the initial files compared to the altered ones would be exactly what I need to get going.

Thanks in advance for any help, guys.