When I heard I had an opportunity to interview my childhood hero, I leapt at the chance. Here was a person I’d always looked up to, a man who I felt really had his shit together. At first I was terrified that he wouldn’t accept, and I would be left dejected and alone, shunned by one of America’s greatest heroes. But then, just as predicted in the New and Old Testaments, He came to me. Below is the interview that will likely rock the nation, an Earth shattering series of revelations by the greatest man in showbiz.
Freque: Thanks for agreeing to do this interview, I know your time is precious.
Freque: It’s my pleasure.
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Freque: I know in the past, you’ve declined other interviews, what made you agree to this intimate sit down with NoiChan?
Freque: Thanks for asking. I think that’s actually a really great question. Kids these days are so pussified and sensitive, I don’t feel that this environment would’ve allowed the elbow room for great, yet eccentric artists. People like Hitchcock, Hendrix, and Pollock. These people were visionaries in their respective fields, but were so unorthodox that I feel these trend-loving hipsters would’ve tried shoving them right back into their little box. We live in a world where the dominant social standard is that animals kill other animals with their face, but this generation of faggoted dipshits somehow maintains a strong sense of entitlement, and would prefer that you cuss less and have your goddamned cigarette on the patio. We’re pretty much all fucked once the meteor comes, when you really think about it. I can imagine picket lines of vegan protesters, circulating a petition and accusing the meteor of racism. Anyway, that’s why I agreed to the interview.
Freque: On the point of racism and persecution, I’ve heard you be compared to someone’s racist uncle, who ruins Thanksgiving. Why do you think that is?
Freque: Another great question. I think mostly because I’m highly visible. Most of my detractors are spoiled highschoolers or useless college kids, who have let down their parents, wasted their money, and ultimately accomplished nothing of any value. I think it’s a sort of passive aggressive jealousy, when you get right down to it. I’m constantly being told what someone else would’ve done differently, which I find fascinating. What you would’ve done differently? Like if you had spent 2 years of your life mastering PHP, built a social network, funded it out of pocket, and then gave it to the world for free? That’s rich. I’ll tell you what you would’ve done: nothing. I know this because that’s what you actually did: absolutely nothing. These fucking armchair quarterbacks are just upset that they have no point of leverage over me, in any fashion. So they whine about my willingness to defend myself against their ad hominem cheapshots, and say that I’m cruel and unprofessional. They claim to be “defending” the scene from my “unwanted presence,” but at the end of the day, they’re attacking the already small foundation of chiptune, and masquerading around as if they’re noble for doing so.
Freque: You are very well spoken and incredibly handsome. Do you plan to do more live shows in the future?
Freque: I might do a show here and there, but ultimately, the live scene is clearly retarded. These shows almost always lose money, because the audience is mostly performers and friends of performers. It’s one giant circlejerk where everyone pretends everyone else is famous, because they had the disposable income to act like rockstars for the weekend. It reminds me of those red carpet events in Hollywood, where showbiz insiders blow eachother and give themselves awards. The price of admission is complete willingness to participate in the mass delusion. People often mistake my self assuredness as insecurity, which is hilarious coming from a group of assholes who just spent an hour picking out what pair of pants they want to wear on their “big night.” You’re playing dressup, you’re playing house, and you’re coming across like a fucking poseur to anyone whose parents didn’t pay their way through life. Typically, these kids were born on third base, and they think they hit a triple. Anyone with a functioning brainstem knows that the internet is the future. You just traveled halfway across the continent and blew the equivalent of an annual third-world salary to play for 60 assholes, in a shitty bar, in a fly-over state. I’ve always found it weird how the chiptune scene cannibalizes itself. Most of the compilations and events are just taking your feces, repackaging it, and then feeding it back to you. Eat it. Eat your own shit, you greedy consumerist motherfuckers.
Freque: Describe how to make your favorite sandwich:
Freque: I thought you’d never ask! They make these awesome little round loaves of sourdough bread, a little bigger than a softball. You take one of those fuckers, rip it in half (not slice) and cover one side with a whole can of tuna. Try to make sure it’s spread pretty evenly. Then you literally cover the tuna with black pepper, until you can’t even see it anymore. On the other piece of bread, you want like 6 or 7 THINLY sliced pieces of tomato, lightly salted. Cover that with your favorite cheese (I prefer swiss). Put it on a cookie sheet and broil it, open faced, until the cheese begins to caramelize. Turn the oven off and let it sit in there for 5 minutes, to make sure it’s warmed all the way through. Pull it out (make sure to use oven mits!). Add tons of mustard and just a bit of romaine lettuce. I suppose you can put mayo and celery on there, if you’re a little baby, but I usually go without it. Either way, if you follow the instructions I’ve given you, it’s the best tuna melt ever created. You can thank me later, you stupid fucks.
Freque: Who Jew? You? You.
Freque: Ok, first of all, I don’t appreciate your antisemitic tone. Secondly, is that even a question? You’d better hope the ADL never sees this, because they won’t be as forgiving as I am. The Jewish people are as flawed as any other group, but they, much like me, have been unfairly persecuted throughout history. They don’t need you piling onto their oppression. It’s not fun, and it’s not funny.
Freque: People seem to struggle at finding relevant and accurate things to make fun of you about. What can you tell me about your childhood?
Freque: My father was a Portuguese immigrant, who was twice my mother’s age. She was 15 when she consumed my brother, and 16 with me. She ran away with my dad, from Massachusetts to Florida, where they both did jail time. She would’ve been released earlier, but she refused to tell them her age, because she didn’t want to get him in trouble. I’m not sure what they were arrested for, drugs or stealing, or both, if I had to guess. My father is a legitimate kleptomaniac. He mostly steals cars, but he’ll steal fucking padlocks and stuffed animals from grocery stores, he truly doesn’t give a shit. They split up before I was born. I met my dad a few times, but I haven’t seen him in years. He used to smoke crack in front of my brother and I, which sounds weird, but didn’t seem like that big of a deal at the time. The best car I can remember him stealing was a Pontiac Firebird Trans Am. I dont remember what year it was, mid 90′s, but it had those cool detachable pieces on the roof. It was pretty badass. We weren’t there when he stole it, but we drove around in it a lot. He hasn’t spent an unbroken year out of jail since he was a teenager. I don’t really know that much about him, honestly. My mom, on the other hand, raised me until I was 16 or so, then she just bailed one day. She left me with her mother, who I was only supposed to be visiting for the weekend. That was pretty weak, but I’m over it now. We found her a couple years later, squatting on a cabin in the middle of nowhere, near a lady who used to be our neighbor. She was all cooked out on acid, talking about how a knot in the wood on one of the walls was a portal to the spiritual dimension. I remember wanting to yell at her for abandoning me, but I didn’t, and still haven’t. She eventually got her shit together and we sort of patched up our relationship. She moved to Florida (of all places) a few years ago, and I visited her there once. That was a couple of years ago, so I don’t know if that counts as my childhood, because I’m 30, now. I got in an argument with her redneck boyfriend and punched a hole in her trailer wall, and my gf at the time and I left, and just drove home. We slept in her truck in a McDonald’s parking lot that night, in Florida, in the middle of summer. It was bullshit. We’ve made up since then and have pleasant talks, occasionally, on the internet. As far as me? I grew up fat and poor, I got bullied a lot. I used to get beat up quite a bit, until I learned to fight back, which changed my life. Violence became sort of an addiction for me, even after I lost most of the weight. I broke my hand on a kid’s head once, when I was in highschool. I got put on supervised probation for a year and a half for that fight, and I had to do 100 hours of community service, most of which I lied about. I also had to take anger management classes, which I got kicked out of, apparently for being too angry. They used to just ring this bell and make us walk around in circles. The whole experience was so much work that I picked my fights a little better from then, on. I guess it was a success, in that regard. I’ve been in a couple barfights since then, but nothing major. I mostly just argue with people on the internet, now. Come at me, I’m bored.
Freque: Are you an alcoholic?
Freque: Yeah, I’d say so. I used to just smoke weed all the time, but I had a really bad breakup earlier this spring. My slutty ex was apparently fucking our weed dealer, on the side. I was with that bitch for 8 years, we lived together for 7. I could tell she was lying to me for a few months, and one day she forgot to log out of her facebook, so I just keyword searched for “cheat” and “cum” and words like that, and I found a bunch of bullshit in there with this douchebag who can hardly even speak English properly. He was all like “want 2 bone u so bad rite nao” and shit like that. I didn’t even know she was into that kinda shit, she was a pretty classy girl, and kind of a prude, or so I thought. I just immediately packed up her shit and told her to get the fuck out, and haven’t spoken to her since then. I still loved her at the time. She cried, I cried, but that was it for us. I helped her move her shit into a storage unit and never looked back. I’ve been drinking nonstop since then, because I had difficulty adjusting. I’m finally starting to level out, though, and I’m moving back towards smoking weed, which is actually a good drug for me. I’m usually pretty fucking angry, and the alcohol doesn’t help a whole lot in the “don’t be an asshole” department, but the weed mellows me out quite nicely. I’ve met another girl since then, who isn’t quite as uppity and cunty as the last one, so that’s helped me a bit. She’s pretty submissive and I expect she’d tolerate me beating on her, if it came down to that. I don’t have any plans to beat her, but it’s good to know that’s an option. It’s easier to trust a girl like that.
Freque: You’ve been accused of nearly everything. Misogyny, racism, homophobia, antisemitism. How do you plead?
Freque: I suppose I’m guilty of a tiny bit of all those things, if we’re being entirely honest with eachother. I’m certainly guilty of perpetuating the idea that I am, mostly because I don’t give a fuck. It’s not like I just fell from grace one day. I live down here, at the bottom. I’m comfortable in the role of super villain. I don’t have nearly enough motivation to try and combat the things people accuse me of, so I just roll with it, for my own amusement. I think everyone is over sensitive, and I legitimately like to argue with feminists. I just like to argue with people who feel they’re being discriminated against, who whine about it incessantly, because it’s entertaining and there’s no real consequences. I guess I’m a bit of a bully, in that regard, but hey, no one’s perfect. My facebook feed is mostly chiptune kids, and they’re all insufferable bitches. You can only take so much of that shit before you feel like fucking them with a tire iron. There’s this one kid on me feed who posted this rant about “I hate litterers” as if he was taking a brave and admirable stance. It’s fucking annoying, and that’s just one example. It’s like all these kids are on a nonstop mission to impress their 6th grade guidance counselor, and it’s just really. fucking. annoying. They parade around like these heroic freedom fighters, even though they’re just towing the company line. People seem to be having this wacky competition to see who can get offended first, as if it makes them progressive and clever, and it’s kind of pitiful to watch. They’re not even good at it. I try to push their buttons because political correctness is stupid, and it’s fun to watch them glitch out. It’s sort of a reminder of why you shouldn’t be that way, because I’m usually taking a shit while I’m arguing with them, or posting offensive comments. I do some of my best posts with a turd hanging out of my ass. The chiptune world has worked itself into a frenzy over some of the things I’ve said, and I’m now one of the most despised people in the scene, and I’m shitting. You’re arguing with a guy who’s taking a shit. Ya know? As far as the misogyny, I won’t even deny that one. Most women are total sluts.
Freque: You were once accused of “giving a shit.” Defend yourself.
Freque: Ultimately, everyone wants to be liked. You get more free drugs and pussy that way, but I’ve always loved an underdog. Some of my more publicized rivalries (including but not limited to: andrewBLOWS, Shitzel, & Limey “I’m 30+ and I have an internet gf” Teevee) had a lot of backlash, but I’d say that’s healthy. None of my critics ever had a day where several dozen people came out of the woodwork to chime in on anything they did, so fine, let them talk shit. >Indifference< is the opposite of love, and I’m fucking famous. There will never be a day where they experience anything like that, and most importantly, I can take it. They dish it out because they think I can’t cope, because they can’t cope. I, on the other hand, was forged in hellfire, and the only reason these fucknuts even matter half the time is because they’ve found a way to attach their name to me. It doesn’t bother me, though. There’s plenty to go around, and I’m still just getting started.
Freque: Have you ever beaten or raped a woman?
Freque: Well, I wouldn’t call them “women.” I did smack a ho when I was in 8th grade, though. My brother’s exgf. We got in an argument on the schoolbus, and I spit on her, and then she spit on me and grabbed my hair and started rag-dolling my head back and forth. It was honestly pretty funny. I told her to let go of my hair or I was gonna slap the shit out her, and she didn’t, so yeah, I just started smacking her, right in the face. Slaps and backhands. She started kicking me in the chest from a sitting position, cause I had slapped her back into the seat. The bus driver was on the CB saying “WE HAVE 2 GIRLS FIGHTING! WE HAVE 2 GIRLS FIGHTING!!” because he wasn’t our regular busdriver, and I had long hair back then. The whole thing was sort of humiliating and exhilarating at the same time. I never even got in trouble for it, but I definitely had her snot all over me, because it got transfered a bunch of places while she was kicking me. I pretty much made that girl’s life hell after that, and she eventually transferred schools. I saw her earlier this summer, she was all cranked out on prescriptions, we were friends for about 2 days, laughing about the old days, until we discovered that we still fucking hated eachother. I called her a whore and a junkie and she blocked me on facebook. Good times. As far as rape, though, nah. Not yet.
Freque: Do you expect any backlash from this groundbreaking, historic interview?
Freque: God, I hope so. Maybe a bit of “For someone who doesn’t care, you sure wrote a lot of bullshit.” Maybe I’m giving everyone too much credit, though. If anything, it’d probably be another attack on my slut-shaming, jew-hating ways. In all honesty, I think people might be catching on to my need for negative attention, or at least they should have, by this point in the interview. I might have to change it up soon, and donate some money for breast cancer awareness, or something. You know you’ve reached a whole new level of trolling when philanthropy becomes the ultimate act of rebellion. I think that’s my endgame. I’m not sure how much further I can go in this direction before I’m just throwing puppies in a woodchipper and calling it performance art. I’m kinda like that chick who knits with her vagina, except slightly less trite and way less whorey. I don’t feel like I’ve hit rock-bottom just yet, though. If this doesn’t cause any drama, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna just start emailing pictures of my dick to all of my facebook friends. Men, women, & family.
Freque: What’s next for you?
Freque: I’ll probably delve deeper and deeper into incest porn, because almost nothing turns me on anymore. I pretty much need that to cum, at this point. I jerked off to one of those videos where the dude pisses in the girl’s mouth, earlier this summer. I wasn’t exactly proud of it, but it was oddly satisfying, at the time. I should maybe watch less porn, and go back to my imagination for a while, but I doubt that I have the discipline for that. I mostly used to just jerk off thinking about my friend’s girlfriends anyway, and I don’t have a whole surplus of friends these days. I might try to get arrested. I figured I could just start jazzing up my criminal record, sort of as an art project. I also have an album coming out, hopefully before the winter is over. I haven’t put anything out in a couple of years, so we’ll see what happens. Potato.