Mainly on the voice on this one (it's also a bit offbeat on some places, I'll fix that), and the chorus effect I added after the build-up, not sure what I think about either of these.
Mainly not sure about the voice really fitting in, and if the chorus goes away from the chiptune theme too much.
(And composition wise, it's obviously not done, so ignore the ending wink)
https://clyp.it/qmtljrdc