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You're right. It only works in the specific situation that I simulated. What we actually need is a comparator with a very low set reference. Hysteresis wouldn't hurt either.
I tend to forget that cables don't typically include the vcc pin. What a shame.

Buffer it with a transistor and a few resistors like this:

Easy peasy. This should also accept voltages as hot as 36v and probably as low as 1v. Both of which will output 5v to the gameboy.
Correction: Most 2n3904's should safely function as high as +60v (collector - base voltage) and should saturate (rise to 5v) as low as +0.4v.

Step 1. Uninstall Windows 10

Sorry, I had to.

In all seriousness, in response to the thread title:

It seems like what you need is a redesigned circuit for the CGB. Boosted bass, higher order noise filtering, connector for a standardized rechargeable battery with more mAh than two Duracells.

I have actually been toying with the idea of a new audio-oriented handheld for years. What holds me back though is the availability of the processors, PSGs and programmers. It would be damn simple to map out an address range for several SIDs and YMs for an MC68k but where you gonna buy that shit? NOS at a premium, thats where. This of course doesn't help you out at all. :PP

Been there, done that; I am a masochist at heart.

There is that too. Too many devices are capable of mimicking the interface and sounds a GB is equipped with that its counter intuitive not to use one of them. I listen to the shit for nostalgic purposes alone. Give me a pen and paper and I'll draw you up a vastly more complex variable filter and logarithmic adsr envelope for a highly accurate, true-analog, voltage controlled pulse wave, triangle wave or white noise source.

First!

What's the inside of your toy look like? I'm thinking a contained peizo contact with something to bounce against it. Beans, sand, idk.

Also, what kind of range are you looking or? Do you want a redo ate trigger each time you shake, or did you want a range of resistance depending on how hard you shake?

I'll shoot an email to benn. It's  simple ROM only, no MBC cart.